Since I was a little girl as young as I can remember I felt something was missing in me. It was such a deep sensation in every cell of my being.
Sometimes, I could clearly feel it in my stomach. I could feel emptiness; sometimes I could feel something that I can only describe as pulling from deep in my tummy.
Deep in my heart, I knew there was something in life I needed to find. I was a very sensitive girl. My family always called me Lila. I was young but I had some big philosophical questions about life. My heart had so much to say but no one to share it with.
I found refuge in writing poetry. What I felt was too abstract to comprehend with my mind, so I found it best just to write. I also could not share about my dreams.
Dreams about places, people, even countries in which I had never been. Some were like epic battles from which I woke up quite disconcerted. I was the girl who knew clearly that something was missing in me, but it wasn’t something I could express with words. So I grew up always feeling different.
When I look back, my life has been like a puzzle, with me always looking out for the missing parts. A big puzzle picture to complete, with the missing pieces appearing in various stages of my life.
I had a very privileged childhood. I grow up in Mexico City surrounded by the magic of the country the kindness of the weather and the beauty of color everywhere.
Mexico, where nothing is impossible.
My mum was a psychologist and my dad a very sweet and deep human being. He was a Lebanese self-made businessman. I grew up as a catholic but no one in my family took the Catholic Church very seriously. My mum always wanted my brother and I to be free in ourselves. She grew up with a very strict mother and she did not want that for us. She sent us to schools where you could choose your learning. As you can imagine not much math for me….Those schools had many advantages but had a complete lack of boundaries.
My teenager years, I will confess, were quite wild and difficult.
The seeking for me was always the most important part of my life: I was never interested in material wealth, career success, my appearance or frivolous conversations. The intensity of the seeking was very strong since such a young age that I must say it wasn’t easy!
Sometimes I would look at the sky and ask “Why am I so different ? What is it that I’m looking for? Why I am here on this earth? Why am I so sensitive?”
Quite early on in my teens, I started to dabble with drugs and wrong relationships. Reaching adulthood my quest took me into journalism, which went hand in hand with my seeking .One day someone at work said: “Journalism most be so fulfilling” To which I replied:”Yes, but I feel I’m waiting for something else. I don’t know what it is yet.”
This I guess can describe how I always felt. The certainty and the complete belief that there was something else for me to find. Although my quest has given me some extraordinary experiences it also took me to some dark places. I went to Buddhists, Shamans, tarot readers, and some other esoteric hocus-pocus.
I read a lot of books too. But none of them help me to find what I was looking for. Although I felt Buddha’s teachings were very deep and meaningful, my experience with Buddhism in North London, I could not afford.
Something deep inside told me that real answers about spirituality should be free and not come in the form of a recently shaved monk only to happy to arrange payments through my already over the limit credit card after I had just explained I had lost my job and life was difficult.
So I decided to carry on reading Buddha’s teachings at home.
My life journey and my seeking took me to England where I have lived since 1997. My encounter with Sahaja Yoga happened whilst I was living in Bournemouth after a failed marriage and trying to rebuild my life after some years of juggling work and drug using in London.
I was so desperate then to find answers but most importantly to find peace in my heart. I remember getting up in the mornings and getting down on my hands and knees, praying to God to show me the way to find comfort and answers for my search. To find what I was looking for, to desperately find what was missing in my heart.
I used to ask and pray to the sea, the clouds, and the air.
I prayed to them and asked for help. After a few years in Bournemouth, I went to the Art Institute where I was doing fine arts Diploma. It was there where I meet an Italian lady. We immediately became friends. I felt I could really talk to her about all the deep things in my heart. She had a great understanding of spirituality and did not drink or smoke. Still, she was the most dynamic and joyful personality in the class. I felt so much love for her since we first met. I felt I knew her. Everything about her was so familiar.
One Day She Talked to me about ..
One day she talked to me about meditation and asked me if I wanted to do a meditation exercise that I would find very helpful. I agreed and the next day we went to a room in the university’s library. I will never forget that day. She had a colorful bag, full of things. On the table, she put a sweet small tablecloth and a picture of an Indian lady.
I felt the whole thing was a bit unusual but I felt very at ease and trusting. She asked me to look at a picture of Shri Mataji and asked me:”What do you feel when you look at this lady?” I said:“That everything is going to be ok.” I was trying to explain that I felt comfort in my heart. Then she asked me to close my eyes and took me through what we know in Sahaja Yoga as the self-realization exercise. As we were doing the affirmations I felt deep in myself everything she was saying, so profound in my being. Like she was not talking to me but to the deepest part of me, the deepest place in my being, an unknown area in my heart.
When we finished, after a few minutes of silence. I felt such relief! Like an enormous heavyweight had been removed from over my shoulders. I felt so light, so happy. I did not feel any cool breeze or tingling or hot or cold as other people experienced. I felt free. I felt I could fly.
On my way home I certainly felt as if my feet weren’t touching the floor. I experienced such a release from the core of my being. From that day I felt liberated. She did not say a lot, my darling friend on that day. Only that now I was free and my Kundalini energy would allow me to fly.
A few days later she invited me to her house to meditate.
In her house she had a big photograph of Shri Mataji meditating.
I remember I could not stop looking at her, I was feeling so peaceful.
My friend asked me to sit on the floor and she guided me into meditation. After a few moments I remember feeling like a torrent of electricity running and moving all inside my body whilst something was pulling me up from above my head. Like a string pulling me up straight. I felt glued to the floor as all these sensations were happening in me. I felt it all in my central nervous system, I have never been aware of it before but in that meditation I knew. I felt it. We were there for a long time; I did not want to open my eyes.
Then, I remembered feeling like I was floating in a cloud of love, protection and understanding.
I did not want anything but to be there with that feeling forever. Nothing else was important any more. After some time we finished, she made tea for both of us and whilst drinking I said: “This feeling, I did not want to open my eyes, I can only describe as if I have been floating in a cloud of absolute joy, feeling safe and my heart was at peace.”
Yes, I experienced complete peace in my heart. The feeling was so strong I had had a few tears. She smiled at me and said: “You felt your spirit darling.” Then in the depths of my heart, I knew that was the only thing I had been searching for all those years. After a few years in London, I had stopped driving, as I was getting a bit anxious behind the wheel. My friend kept telling me that meditation would help and that I should try it at home. For a long time, I kept going to her house every Wednesday feeling amazing, and then go back home to my usual ways.
One day I decided to try an exercise she told me.
I put Shri Mataji‘s photograph on a little wooden table; I lighted a candle in front of her and went through the steps. I read what my friend had given me on a piece of paper and then closed my eyes.
Suddenly, I felt as if my chest opened. I could only describe as if I had a bottle of fizzy drink in the centre of my chest and spontaneously it was opened for the first time. Like an explosion. I felt as if the anxiety was a big ball coming out of my chest! I felt amazing.
After that I took my baby, put him on the baby car seat and drove together to a Sahaja Yoga meeting.
I was feeling so confident.
The anxiety had left me. I have had so many extraordinary experiences in Sahaja Yoga.
It had to change my life.
Through Sahaja Yoga meditation, I rebuild myself; it has given me more than I could ever ask plus the opportunity to meet some wonderful people that have become my family. I overcame anxiety, addiction and even stopped smoking. I am far away from perfect. I have difficult days and difficult moments but I know in Sahaja Yoga I have the tools I need. I do meditate every day, and through meditation, I feel how I rebuild myself. Just like peeling an onion. In meditation, I get rid of the layers of the onion that I don’t need. After meditation, I feel more balanced, refreshed and lighter.
In the silence of the meditation, my Kundalini helps me to rebuild myself on a daily basis.
Nelly Sanchez Lila, Mexico + UK